Michelle

The piece I wrote and presented at the Young Writers Camp '07, during the "Writer's Slam" session. No one was slammed, however. Disappointingly. Hehe.

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A breeze blew. Fluttered, went the leaves. Gazing at them, I paused...then reflected. With silent, disenchanted melancholy, I thought about how easy it is to lose yourself in the abyss that is your thoughts.

Hehehe. What rubbish that was, all in the name of showing off to others how "powderful" your "Engrish" is. I am, after all, not like Alvin* or Owen*. I do not use big words, as it can be telling of me- since the size of your words is proportional to that of your ego.

But what am I saying? I do not like to criticize people. However, for the purpose of my story, I'll be glad to make an exception.

The story begins on a cool, breezy night. Don't worry, no big words coming up. He stared into the sky, with nervousness. His hands were shaking. He had a date.

Something, no, someone caught his eye. Was it her? He grew even more nervous. He threw the date he had into his mouth and began to chew on it. It was sour, he nearly vomited, but he was glad.

His parents didn't let him have any dates, and he relished any chance of eating them.

Anyway. He spotted his girlfriend, and breathed a sigh of relief.

"You're late!" he said with joy. She looked confused. "I'm so happy you're late!" he said. "Huh?" she replied. "I was beginning to worry you were too...obedient. I need an unpredictable girlfriend!"

So, she dumped him.

But, thankfully, that's not what happened. They had a nice date together (a much sweeter one, not as sour) and then they parted ways.

I told you earlier that I was going to criticize someone, right? So let me tell you about the "he" I was referring to previously.

His name was Michelle (you know, French) and he was one of the most skillful debaters around. He specialized in insulting his opponents into submission, and skilled he was at that.

There was once he was asked what was his opponent's next move. He dryly remarked, "I don't really care, for his smartest movement is a bowel movement."

How conceited!

Well I'm sure you'd be glad to know that he died one day, after a date. His girlfriend announced that she was leaving him, and he died of a heart attack. After losing a debate.

So.

I hope that this story will cause you to reflect and think. And if you didn't understand it, you haven't thought hard enough.

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* Alvin & Owen refer to two people present at the Writer's Camp who were known for their penchant of using big words. No offense intended. Really.

Hooligans: Earth Gone Crazy (Chapter One)

I wrote this story when I was 13, and it certainly is still one of the best stories (personally speaking) I've written to date. I actually finished this series up, racking up 30,000 words (I think). Unfortunately I was not smart enough to back up my stuff, and I lost it all when my PC was reformatted.

Anyway, I am attempting to piece together the pieces, as well as add new things in the process. This is the very first chapter, of which I remember almost everything. Of course there are new additions (not to mention grammatical changes!), but the main plot of the story is still intact.

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A person jumped off a thirty story building. And then another. And another. And then hundreds of them came falling down like rain. All of them landed on the sidewalk with loud splats, though the thudding became softer each second as the sound was dampened by the ever increasing pile of corpses.

“New Guinness World Record!” a small boy yelled out. “Most people committing suicide in a single minute!” he continued.

I turned around when I heard loud laughter from behind me. People-hooligans, as they are called- were firing themselves from cannons into spray painted bulls-eyes on the wall. They hit it with a loud smack. I noticed that the walls were a thick red. And I shook my head at this mayhem.

“My child,” a voice that sounded croaky said from behind me. I turned around and I faced an old, hunched man holding a stick that looked like it belonged to his great grandfather. The stick was old. The old man was old. “What do you want, old man?” I said to him.

“It wasn’t always like this. You’re pure born, aints it?” the old man said to me.

“I’m not like them if that’s what you mean.” I replied. He didn’t look like he was pure born, though. “Who are you?” I asked him. The old man apparently didn’t heed my question. He continued, “Yes of course. These- these hooligans were created by someone. Things got out of control. They took control of the world.”

“Who created them?” I asked.

Although the old man was probably mad, I still couldn’t help but want to know what he had to say.

“A guy by the name of Paki Up Ump Papi Hup Huh Duh Da...”

“Stop blabbering!” I shouted at him and proceeded to slap his face.

“Hadladkap Musi, in short.” he said, apparently cutting to the chase. That’s more like it.

“They were a genetic experiment created by him when Hadladkap was just a small lil boy.” the old man said, drifting off into a long grandfather story. I sighed and sat down to listen to his mad ramblings.

About sixty or so years ago, Hadladkap unleashed his experiments into the world. The hooligans were virtually invincible. They were mad, though. And they wrecked the world- like a three year old would do to a kitchen. Or a housewife to her husband’s mistress’ belongings.

They thrashed space exploration when they crashed all of NASA’s shuttles. As for the Russians, they nuked them. Don’t ask me why how they took control of the nuclear missiles- I’m not very good when it comes to logic. Anyway, they destroyed human beings when they stole Hadladkap’s anti-fertility device. It released a shockwave throughout the entire world that rendered all males and females (they’re called humans, for your information) infertile. Meaning that they are not able to have cuddlies of their own.

Thus the humans were technically extinct. But wait- Hadladkap had another device up his sleeves. He wanted to be certain- epistemologically certain, mind you- that the only human left on this earth was himself. So he created the “Humanuke Em”. It releases a shockwave that kills all humans throughout the entire world. Hadladkap had to hide himself in a machine that protected him from his own weapon of mass extinction. It was called the “Hidey Hole”. Hadladkap accidentally set the device to put him into warp-stasis for sixty years instead of sixty seconds. Thus he is stuck there- but not for long. In a few days time he shall reawaken and regain control of his hooligans.

“What does he intend to do?” I asked, the moment the old man stopped to take a breath.

“Ah yes.” He replied. And then he continued his grandfather story.

“You see, my child: Hadladkap wanted himself to be the only rational being on Earth. That was his ultimate purpose. Not to listen to music from his iPod for the rest of his life or to chase after women, mind you, but to be the smartest person alive on earth. The only one.

But unbeknownst to him, there was a race of creatures that lived underwater- Ganguns, they are called. They were not discovered by him. And their technology and empire has grown throughout these six decades. I think that when Hadladkap awakes, he will definitely stumble upon them and destroy them. And that’s where you come in, my child.

“Me?”

“Yes, you. You have to go to the Ganguns and warn them. They are the only ones who can contact the Jedeis, a race of warriors who are the most powerful in the universe. They- the Jedeis- are the only ones who can stop Hadladkap.”

I was indifferent. “Why don’t you go?” I said.

“Cants. Only pure borns can enter the gate of Gangun.”

“So you’re not pure born then. What are you?”

“I’m impure born! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAH--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

His laughing turned into cries of agony as I took his walking stick from him and whacked it straight on his head. His face fell flat onto the hard tar.

“Aaaaah!” he cried in a muffled voice. Apparently, it was difficult for him to extract himself from the cement. I reached down, grabbed his bald head and pulled him out.

“Ah!” he said. “Much better. Thanks.” He rubbed his nose. It dropped off, and blood spurted out like a fountain from his nose, landing thirty feet away. “Aaaaah!” he cried, but then he quickly reached down to his nose and stuffed it back.

“There. Much better.” he said, as he pressed his nose again a few times to make sure it fit.

I was struck with a feeling of boredom. And suddenly, a brilliant and completely original idea hit me- I’m going to save the world!

“I’m going to save the world!” I said loudly to him. The old man smiled. “Ah yes, yes, save the world. But before you do that, you first need to find a certain Jack Sparrow.”

“Jack Sparrow? Who is he?”

“Beats mah friggin’ brains out.” the old man replied and shrugged.

I got angry and punched his face. But when my fist landed on the side of his face, it felt like I hit hard rock.

“Aaaah!” I groaned.

“Hehehehehe. I have the power of rock skin. Ahahahah!” he yelled at me like a mad man.

Suddenly, his head popped out his neck socket like a jack in the box.

“Oops!” his head said, before continuing, “what you are about to witness is rated NC-17!” and winked at me.

His arms started popping off, followed by gushes of blood. His legs then came off, and for the finale, his body exploded. Strangely enough, no chunks of flesh or blood could be seen. It was only the hard tar of the cement road.

“Weird.” I muttered to myself and walked forward.

It would be the first step of my great journey!

A Day Begins

Sarah looked out the window, watching cars pass by. They slowed down as they approached a bump. Then they sped up again; sped away.

The day had passed from gloomy to sunny. She liked gloomy better, but knew not why. Come to think of it, she thought, she had always liked rain better than sunshine.

One of the symptoms of melancholia, so it seems. Untreatable, maybe. But certainly she was not one who will delight in it. There was another part of her that was a relentless optimist. And sunshine is its prime symbol.

As she pulled herself away from her gazing (she had other things to do), she recalled last night. It was a very boring one. Yet she still wanted it to continue.

Today was a day she did not want to dwell in. Yet it’s not like you can stop it. She fatalistically resigned. Yes, there was nothing you can do.

“Maybe…” Sarah whispered. Why did she say it? She did not herself know; maybe ”maybe” sounded nice. Perhaps it was suitable. Something made her say it.

What did? She did not know. Maybe she said it because it sounded nice. If so, then “niceness” made her say it. How dare it force her! She chuckled. I’ve got things to do.

What things? Homework. Lovely. Really. She sat down. Oh wait, I need to get my books. She got up, and took them. Then she sat down again.

Two hours later, Sarah was eating her lunch. She did not like lunch, yet she did not want it to end. No, the day must not continue. But continue it did.

Afternoon. The sun showed no remorse. She was untouchable, however. Sitting safely in her room. With the aircond. And the fan. No that’s cheating. Face the fact.

She got out of her house. She had to breathe. To calm down. The sun wasn’t nice. But she wished it would shine all day. Enough with wishing. It’s evening. I’ve got to take a bath.

What’s with bathing? She relished it. Run down the clock, run down the day. Yep. Waste your time on the conditioner. Yes, and where’s that useless apricot scrub? There it is. Lovely.

Time to go. Not for me. Mum says so. I got to go. Darn. Get out, get dressed. Who cares about what dress? No…this one is too fluffy. No, too tacky. Who gave this abomination to me? Did I buy it?

Time to go. Urgency forces Sarah’s choice. She puts on a dress, and she’s ready to go. No time to think about it. She must be ready.

Here we are! Have fun, and good luck! Mum says. I wish. Sarah stepped into the hall. She found brief solace in her friends, cheering her on. No, their cheers were useless. It was all up to her.

Onto the podium. In front of the people. Then, Sarah smiles. Yes, she’s a lovely woman. It would be a sin not to forgive her. But wait, there’s no need. She is wonderful. Excellent!

Sarah gets off the podium. They’re clapping. She beams not because of the claps. I’ve done well, Sarah thought. The day ends. It is inevitable.

The Paper Lighthouse

Some commentary is required. This story is part nonsense story and part slight satire on some issues in my country (Malaysia). Unless you are familiar with them, you probably will not notice the parallels I draw. (E.g. Aryans, 15% discount, Kutadships). Anyway, enjoy!

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Prince Democracy (yes, that is his name) was quite intrigued when he heard about the Paper Lighthouse.

“And so,” Mr. Fairytale said, “this is the story of the Paper Lighthouse.”

“Intriguing indeed. Very intriguing.” Democracy said to himself the moment Mr. Fairytale ended.

“So. Where is my cash?” Mr. Fairytale asked.

“How dare you show such contempt to me!” raged Prince Democracy. “Off with his head!”

Thus, Mr. Fairytale’s existence came to an abrupt end.

***

Across the ocean, the very same tale of the Paper Lighthouse came to the ears of King Communism. The Messenger (so was the name of the person who brought the tale to King Communism) intrigued the King with “an amazingly intriguing story” (so was the King‘s words).

“So,” said the Messenger. “Where’s my cash?”

King Communism nodded and clapped his hands. A briefcase filled with 3 dollar bills amounting to 3 billion dollars was handed to the Messenger.

***

At this moment, I suppose you must be thinking this: “What in the world is the amazingly intriguing story of the Paper Lighthouse?”

Well, I thought you would think so. So, here it is.

(A long, long time ago)

There was a man who had a simple name- Constructor. Constructor wanted to build something, but did not know what to build. So, he asked a guy with the complicated name of Architect to help. Architect drew up some plans and gave it to Constructor.

During those days, unlike now, one needed to ask permission from the local council office if one wanted to build a building.

Also, during those days (unlike now) the local council office was much more rude and unreliable. Thus, they required three conditions to be fulfilled by Constructor.

These three conditions were as follows:

1. All Aryans must be allowed 15% discount if they wish to purchase the building. Failure to comply will result in a personal visit from (or to) King A.H.

(Okay, I can live with that.)

2. A cafeteria MUST be built. The food served must be nutritious, healthy, low in fat and must follow the food pyramid.

(Uh...sure.)

But the last and the most hardest condition were as follows:

3. No cement, brick, mortar or steel can be used during construction, as they are not kosher.

(Hmm. This is going to be difficult.)

You might think you know where this is headed:

“And so Constructor decided to use paper and managed to build his lighthouse and lived happily ever after.”

But you thought wrong. I am not known for my predictability. Mysterious, shocking revelations are on the way, but yet to come. In fact, they might never come.

Anyway, Constructor was in a fix. He needed help. So, he went to a good friend who was called Karl.

“Hullo mate!” Karl greeted him, speaking in the Marxist accent. “What can I do for ya ?”

Constructor handed him the piece of paper in which the three conditions were listed.

“Read number three. I’m having trouble there.” Constructor said.

“Ah yes. That stumps me too. But I think I know someone who can help.”

“Who might that be?”

“Two people, actually. They might be both of help.” Karl wrote down their names and addresses and handed it to Constructor.

Constructor thanked Karl and was on his way. First stop was a man by the name of Stupid Idiot.

“Hello Stupid Idiot.” Constructor said.

“Hi! How may I help you?” Stupid Idiot replied.

Constructor told him about his predicament. Stupid Idiot looked contemplative. After a few minutes of deep thought, Stupid Idiot said:

“There’s not much I’ve come up with. But you’re building a light house, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then you might try using paper. It is quite a sturdy material that can hold up against fire and water quite well. In fact, it's quite impervious to any wear and tear.”

“I’ve never heard of it before. Where might I get it?”

“That I do not know. Sorry, my child.”

“No problem. Thanks for your help Stupid Idiot.”

“What did you just say?”

“Uh...thanks a lot.”

“No, you called me a stupid idiot!”

“But you are!”

“No I am not! I am a smart intelligent person you unappreciative jar of lard!”

Constructor ran away as fast as his feet could take him, with Stupid Idiot running after him shouting curses. Thankfully, Constructor managed to get away. His next and final stop was a man named Bob.

“Hi!” Constructor said. He was happy as he saw some common ground- Bob was a builder.

“Hey! You’re Constructor right?” Bob said.

“Yeah. You’ve got some nice equipment here.”

“Thanks. So ...what brings you to my humble shop?”

“Paper, actually. I was wondering whether you have any of it or know where to get it.”

“In fact I do. Just arrived yesterday. I don’t see the use of it, though. You can have it if you want them for cheap.”

“Thanks.”

And so Constructor managed to obtain the material he needed to build his lighthouse. He immediately set to work, using illegal immigrants with expired work permits. Strangely enough, they were not ruled out in the three conditions set forth by the city council.

(Probably because the workers were Aryans.)

It took exactly 444 days for the Paper Lighthouse to be completed.

(Probably why no Chinese were among the illegal workers.)

At exactly 445 days, the Paper Lighthouse was officially opened to the public. The local city council praised Constructor for complying magnificently with their conditions. In reward, they awarded him a Kutadship.

On one very rainy night, a lightning struck the lighthouse. It was immediately set ablaze. The local fire crew came by to try to extinguish the flame. They endured the icy cold winds and the freezing rain to put out the fire with their hoses. It was only in the morning, when the rain stopped, that they managed to put out the fire. In reward, the fireman were awarded Kutadships.

But something caught the eyes of the firemen and made Constructor faint. It was revealed that the Paper Lighthouse was just an ordinary lighthouse after all- made with all the un-Kosher stuff that were banned in the Three Conditions.

Constructor had merely used the paper as a covering!

In the end, Constructor had his Kutadship revoked, and was jailed in disgrace.

***

Was that intriguing? I’m sure it was.

So...

Where’s my cash?